Back in 2006 I wrote this series of articles. If you’ve been following the news, you will understand that the time has come to revisit it.
- Pluto Demoted
I feel compelled to depart for a moment from my current popular theme, i.e. my exciting coming concert tour of the USA, to cast new light on a recent event of great significance i.e. the altered status of a certain celestial body.
Astrologers must have greeted with dismay the news that a group of scientists of repute have decided that Pluto is not a planet. And who can blame them? Reworking all existing astrological texts, websites and predictions is obviously a daunting administrative task. And thats without even considering the theological implications. Pluto is after all not only a planet and a dog, but also a god.
But before you lament this sudden demotion of our until recently highly esteemed planetary companion, please consider that there may be a silver lining to this murky cloud.
Are you one of those who’ve been warned, in ominous tones, of the gloomy shadow of Pluto lurking in Sagittarius, casting a curse over your destiny? Now you can relax.
Next time a well meaning astrologer tries to darken your day with such a depressing prediction, you can simply reply, Pluto who?
Gone are the days when we quailed in fear when noisome Plutos name was uttered, when helpless mortals gesticulated in vain against cruel fate, employing the aid of all kinds of arcane devices such as life size replicas of the Pyramid of Giza, or shards of genuine Kryptonite, available at a discount from your local health food store.
Shares in the companies producing such devices have plummeted at this news, for what is there to fear now from this pretend planet, this humiliated figure, now little more than a tumbling boulder, dancing alone in silent orbit on the far edges of our solar system.
Let us all take heed from this lesson and be not too proud, seeing how easily the mighty have fallen, for who knows, you may be the next to have your status as a true planet denied by almighty science.
Please note: Get your personalised post Pluto astrological chart at my new website now! www.horoscopepostPluto.com Don’t wait – this discount expires when Scorpio enters the 7th quarter.
2. Honk for Pluto
Look, I know you’re just waiting to hear about developments regarding my coming concert tour of the US, but interplanetary events seem to be overtaking me.
I may be in deep trouble now. I think the Plutonian secret police are after me.
There is a mounting campaign to re-instate Pluto as a planet. Scientists of repute are refuting the decision of other scientists of repute, and the final outcome is unclear. There is a mounting public outcry against Plutos’ relegation of status to that of ‘dwarf planet’. And yes it is true, there are bumper stickers appearing saying ‘Honk if Pluto is still a planet.”
And it gets more complicated than that. Pluto was demoted by a vote of scientists at the International Astronomical Union’s (IAU) General Assembly in Prague. Apparently in the same conference there was a proposal tabled to INCREASE the number of recognised proper planets from 9 (including Pluto) to 12! And you won’t believe what a weird bunch this new gang of proposed new ‘planets’ are: the asteroid Ceres, Pluto’s moon Charon and the distant world known as 2003 UB313!
This is getting out of hand. Where are the quality control police when we finally need them? An asteroid, and a moon? The Astrologers are going crazy – I mean how is it going to sound – “you are going to meet a tall dark handsome stranger because you have 2003 UB313 rising” – it sounds like a cross between a romance novel and a school chemistry exam. People will start making fun of the whole science of prediction if there are planets named like this. At least I think they will – but now I’m not even sure about that – nothing is certain any more – I would check with my Astrologer but she is refusing to give any guarantees about future events until this whole mess is sorted out.
But my real worry is this – what happens if they change their minds and Pluto gets its badge back, with all of the associated legislative powers of a fully fledged Roman God? The Plutonian secret police will immediately start rounding up anyone who spoke out against Pluto when his prospects were less than glorious.
And the first ones they’ll go for will be blogists like me who rashly blurted out the truth before events had fully played out. But I will not be silenced. If a life of risk and danger is the price I have to pay for speaking freely, so be it.
By the way, if anyone needs me, I’ll be on 2003 UB313.
3. Plutonians and Diplodocuses Category Tuesday, August 29, 2006
Im writing from a safe house on planet 2003 UB313. The Plutonian secret police have not yet tracked me down in my lair, which means that none of you readers blabbed. Im relieved to see that I was right to trust you. Should you chance upon any of those notorious agents of oppression, tell them, if you dare, that their persecution will not prevent me from conducting my concert tour of the USA, let them do their worst. I’d like to thank the reader who actually tried to go to that pretend website www.horoscopespostPluto.com You made my day. I mean to fall for that one youd have to have less brain cells than it takes to operate the wrong end of a diploducus. But perhaps I’m being unfair. To the diplodocuses. Recent research (carried out by my trusty comic reading research team) indicates that Diplodocuses may have been far more intelligent than was previously supposed. I have to be careful. I’ve already aroused the wrath of the Plutonians with my critiscism of their planet. I don’t want a whole gang of diplodocuses on my back as well. Have you ever had even one diplodocus on your back? I don’t even want to think about it. Nobody told me that writing a blog could be so risky. If you still want to get your updated horoscope, which now takes into account the portentuous influences of the asteroid Ceres, Plutos moon Charon, and my new home 2003UB313, as well as a new planet hovering over New Zealand known as ‘Xena the Warrior Princess’, you need wait no longer. Just go to my post ‘Pluto demotion and replacement by other nicer planets’ website: The url is www.horoscopesfrom2003UB313.com Honest.
4. The Plutonians are Coming
I’m sorry if I haven’t written my blog for a couple of days. The internet connection here on 2003UB313 is a bit dodgy when our orbit takes us the other side of the sun and the wires get all stretched. Plus I’ve been busy preparing for my concert tour of the USA in October, which I’m determined to go ahead with, despite the danger of having my brain transplanted into the body of a cow. Did I tell you – that’s what the Plutonians want to do with us all? I’ve no idea why.
Now that I’ve had a chance to check my mail I see that I’m going to learn a lot from writing about all this scientific stuff. I get letters from well informed people. I’ve never met anyone like this before. I’ve always had friends who are hippies or failed rock stars or people who think they are Jesus Christ and are always occupying the bathroom trying to walk on the bath water. They never talk about science or facts – they don’t know any. Conversations in our house are about how to fit 12 people inside a VW Beetle, or which rock band can destroy the most equipment, or how to squish your brain cells into the next dimension using ancient secrets from the lost civilisation of Lemuria.
There are a lot of people going around saying that the Plutonians are planning to invade the earth in retaliation for our scientists downgrading their planet. My astrologer friend says this is not true, or at least it won’t be until Charon is in the 12th quarter. How can there be 12 quarters? I don’t understand. Anyway she should know because not only is she a classical astrologer, she is is Elvish. So please stop going around creating unnecessary panic by shouting, “the Plutonians are coming, the Plutonians are coming.”
Here’s something I learned about Pluto already. This band called “Radiant Dregs” became my friends on myspace. (thanks guys – that’ll be one free CD for the plug) Amazingly enough they are from Flagstaff, Arizona which is where Pluto was first discovered! I’m not sure whether I got this straight, but I think it was ‘Radiant Dregs’ themselves who made the discovery. And they’re writing to me – perhaps they can help me. I wonder what they’d suggest I do about the tentacle outside the window?
What tentacle? Oh my God – I’m doomed. I’m alone here and I just saw a Plutonians tentacle waving in the garden, pretending to be a harmless UB313ionian man eating plant. They’re staking me out, and there’s no escape. His is horrible. I can’t stand the waiting, and I’ve only been waiting 15 seconds so far. I really wish they’d just get it over with and come and dissect me and steal my brain to use in their hideous experiments. How come they can stand the tension but I can’t? Those Plutonian secret police must have nerves of spider silk.
FACT FACT FACT – spider silk is seven times the tensile strength of steel, so people with nerves of steel are total wimps compared to people with nerves of spider silk. The evidence suggests that my own my nerves are made of jellyfish appendages.
I need a miracle fast – how about a bit of Divine intervention here? Surely 30 years of meditation has got to be worth something?
Apparently not. OK. I’m ready to make God an offer. I know – I’ll give up chocolate! Oh damn – that won’t count – I gave it up already, and He’s sure to have that on file, especially now that they’ve digitized heaven. I already gave up all that stuff – swearing, drinking, smoking hashish, eating the nice soft middle out of the bread on the way home from the shop. Damn – where are my bad habits when I really need something to bribe God? I feel like I’m in a balloon and I’ve already thrown out all the ballast and I’m rocketing skywards to my doom. What if they put my brain inside a Plutonian cow?
Hey – is that Charon in the 12th quarter already? Help! The Plutonians are coming! The Plutonians are coming!
5. They’re here!
Writing this science column type blog is earning me a lot of respect it is true – i’m becoming quite an expert in astronomy and astrology and all kinds of ‘ogies’. But what with Plutonians skulking about in the front garden, and having nothing more substantial to defend myself with than 3000 copies of my latest CD, to be honest what I’d much rather have a laser cannon or a proton deflector shield. Only I’d want a different brand from the ones they have in Star Trek – they always seem to be breaking down.
Those of you planning to attend one of my concerts or meditation seminars in October or November in the USA had better consider alternative forms of entertainment or enlightenment. May I suggest that you buy one of my finely crafted CDs, or purchase my amazing book on meditation, now destined to make me posthumously famous?
But what am I thinking? This is not the time for commercial breaks, Rather it’s time to make a break for it.
I would, except that there is no other exit. I’ll just have to face the aliens, and my fate, as calmly as I can.
I’m sending a quick email to my Mum explaining how her car really came to be upside down in the rose garden with a gorilla sleeping in the drivers seat, all those years ago.
I’m quickly reviewing my conduct over the past few decades, wondering what kind of next life I might be in for. Then it occurs to me – “Oh my God”. What if it turns out that those fundamentalist Christians were right. I’m in real trouble.” I mean I watched ‘The Life of Brian’ three times, and laughed every time.
My ruminations are interrupted by one of the aliens demolishing the front door with a disintegrator gun. I get my first clear look of them as they ooze across the threshold, and wish that I hadn’t. They are hideous beyond description!
Plutonians do not have two genders like us. They reproduce by subdividing, like amoebas. Which is fortunate, as these creatures are so nauseating to look at that if they had to depend on attracting one another as a mate they’d be extinct within one generation. I could not get the tentacles sorted out to see how many of them there were. It looked to be about three and a half. They squelched through the door and I backed away until I was stopped by a table. The nearest mess of tentacles raised its’ ray gun.
I groped blindly behind me and found a copy of my book on meditation, cleverly titled “Close Your Eyes & Open Your Mind”, and discounted for this month only.
I offered the book to the pile of hostile slime before me. “You look tense,” I said. “May I offer you this nice book on meditation? It’s a natural way to get high and merge your mind with the Cosmos.”
The Plutonian leader thrust its’ tentacles at me angrily.
“It’s really fun,” I quavered. My fingers scrabbled again behind me and came up with one of the 3000 copies of “The Return of the Magic” my exquisitely crafted CD recorded by master musicians in 5 countries.
“How about we listen to a little spiritual music?” I blurted, feeling foolish. “The bass groove on the 5th track will really get your tentacles wriggling.” I was really getting desperate – sounding more and more inane.
The monster indicated that I should put the CD on the stereo. I did so with trembling hands.
The Plutonian leader listened to the CD for 30 seconds, made a face so ghastly that a battalion of amorous octopuses would have rushed for cover, raised it’s ray gun and shot me through the heart.
6. Inventor of the Electric Shoelace
Well folks, here I am enjoying my next life as a Crop Circle salesman, while my previous brain is enjoying a life of leisure inside the head of a Plutonian cow.
Just kidding! C’mon now – you didn’t really believe I was dead did you? How could I re-incarnate so quickly, and learn to type and all, in just a few days? It doesn’t make sense. And surely you didn’t think that crummy Plutonian ray gun could finish me did you? Me – inventor of the electric shoelace? Not possible!
I know you’re dying to know how I survived the alien attack, so here it is.
When the Plutonian agent shot me with his ray gun the crimson beam pierced my heart, and I instantly felt a pleasant sensation flow through my body, like when you are in the bath, and it’s raining, and you have an unlimited supply of hot water, an array of scented unguents sufficient to satisfy Cleopatra herself, and a damp Douglas Adams book. I was floating on a delightful sea of well being and when I tried to look down, there didn’t seem to be any down.
This was definitely alright! I hadn’t expected death to be so comfortable. I looked dreamily around for a tunnel of light, and checked for any sign of Satan’s presence, but no, this was not hell. In fact it still looked remarkably like my hideout on 2003UB313.
The three and a half Plutonians were gathered around the ray gun which was still in their leaders bewildered hand. They glared at it in confusion.
“It’s not supposed to do that,” gargled the first in a dialect so strangled I could hardly bear to listen. Very strange. Although their speech sounded like a gaggle of Turkeys arguing over whose turn it was to be the guest entertainer at Thanksgiving, I could now understand every word.
“Right. The advertisement promised that it would splatter the aliens brains, and make his earlobes swell in an unnatural fashion. This is false advertising.” gobbled another – the half alien.
“I told you not to buy the discounted ray-gun from the WALPLUT store. If it’s cheap, there’s always a reason.”
“Let me see that gun.” An authoritatively matted knot of dripping glutenous muck snatched the gun from the wilting head agents’ hand. “Look, here’s your problem. See the settings? It’s supposed to give you a choice of ‘disintegrate’, ‘incinerate’, or ‘annihilate’. But instead there is only one option – ‘ameliorate’. You moron – you’ve gone and ameliorated the hideous earth thing!”
I quickly checked my online dictionary to find out what the heck ‘ameliorate’ means.
“to make or become better, more bearable, or more satisfactory; improve; meliorate.”
This was excellent. I definitely felt more bearable and satisfactory. It was a miracle – God had answered my prayer. I had grovelled before my maker in my darkest hour and gotten ameliorated! I tried to remember if I’d committed myself to giving up any of my few remaining pleasures in exchange for this divine intervention. No, I don’t think I did. This was a free bonus type miracle. Maybe the meditation was working after all!
I reached through the daze and tapped the bossiest alien on the back. I immediately regretted this. Gobbets of slime stuck to my hand and came away when I withdrew it. The creature turned and stared at the parts of it’s body dripping from my fingers.
“That’s disgusting,” it gargled.
“I’m really sorry – I didn’t know you come away in peoples’ hands so easily,” I replied in my suddenly fluent Plutonian, almost rupturing my throat on the harsh accent.
“Not that, idiot. This!” the creature held up the CD that he’d just removed from the stereo. “I am confiscating all 2786 copies of this CD, and returning to Zondgraz to report to the Ultimate Boss Plutonian, Lord Granzmosquel. You were lucky with the amelioration thing, but you’re not off the hook yet – you may be indicted under the ‘propagation of obnoxious sound waves’ act number 47Z93”
The other Plutonians all moaned and bowed at the mention of their supreme leaders name. I thought it fitting to abase myself a bit, so I bowed merrily.
Meanwhile the half slime thing had been examining the raygun. “Hey look.” he said. “It’s got another button on the back. It says ‘lemonade fountain’.”
The others forgot about me. They gathered around their little squishy friend ‘Half Plut’ excitedly.
“Let me have a go” said the original leader. “It’s my gun,” he tried to grab it, and a struggle ensued, as struggles are wont to do.
The bigger bossy Plutonian waded in, tentacles flailing. Soon they were all fighting – it was too gross to watch. A jet of lemonade shot into the air.
I quietly slipped out the door, taking my meditation book with me. I didn’t think they would read it.