A while ago I read about some Australian scientists who think that crocodiles are birds. I’m just waiting for them to announce that horses are insects, fish enjoy studying particle physics and octopuses can easily be taught to play the piano.

Here’s how they reached this astonishing conclusion.

They picked on three large crocodiles that were living a bit too close to a popular beach for comfort, and tried to relocate them to a remote swamp. Please note that we are talking about the Australian Saltwater Crocodile (Latin name: Crocodylus porosus), the largest reptile in the world that can grow up to 7 meters (23 feet). These are quite different from your docile Florida alligators who can often be spotted assisting elderly ladies across the road. Australian Crocs are maneaters – aggressive monsters whose favourite food is American tourists.

brutus the croc

In the interest of fairness I must tell you that according to the Brisbane based, Crocodile Public Relations Office, many stories about crocodiles are greatly exaggerated and more people are killed by vending machines than by poor old Crocodylus Porosus.

Yeah right.

Anyway, this group of scientists (Latin name: Australus Maniacus with a death Wishus) captured three of these monsters, took them for a little ride in a helicopter and released them 400 kilometers from home. The pilot was never heard from again. The helicopter is probably still there, it’s rotors poking up out of the mud to serve as a warning against the follies of man.

It seems the crocodiles did not appreciate their new abode. I mean how would you feel, being kidnapped from your villa at an expensive location by the beach, only to dumped in a swamp in the middle of nowhere? Naturally they preferred to be where the action is and where takeaway food is readily available. So they took some photos to show to their lawyers and headed straight for home, covering the distance in about three weeks.

Observing this behaviour, the scientists jumped to the remarkable conclusion that crocodiles must be related to birds, using the new scientific method specially developed in Australia known as ‘taking a wild guess’. i.e. some birds are good at finding their way home over great distances, these crocodiles found their way home over a long distance. Therefore crocodiles are birds. Using this kind of logic we could conclude that London taxi drivers are also related to birds.

Our intrepid researchers further claim that crocodiles “get homesick” and are “just like boomerangs.” These are real quotes from the BBC website. For me these statements constitute sufficient evidence to make a case for the scientists themselves being birds.

Now before you suggest the obvious solution, I’m going to suggest it myself. That way, when it comes time to give out Nobel Prizes I’ll be at the front of the line. Are you ready? Here it is:

If these scientists are really concerned about protecting tourists from dangerous animals, why don’t they deal with the real culprits: vending machines? They should start capturing vending machines and flying them hundreds of miles to dump them in a swamp. I’ll bet they (the vending machines) won’t come running back home in a hurry to attack tourists, because obviously vending machines are not birds, so they’d get lost. And if the crocodiles learned how to use the vending machines themselves, we just might kill one bird, and one non-bird, with one stone.

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