You’ve all heard of protons, neutrons and electrons. Well I have exciting news for you. Recently I came across a phenomena entirely unknown to modern science. Right at this moment, lurking in the darkest corners of the universe, are minute particles of pure evil, which I have dubbed ‘eviltons’.Eviltons hide in the most unlikely places. Whenever anyone gets a wicked idea, or whenever a machine runs amok, charging through traffic in the wrong direction and scattering the terrifed public so that they have to make a movie about it and call it “Amok Running Machine 3”, or whenever a big ferocious creature out there in the wild eats a cute furry creature that you want to make your pet, it is a sure sign of Eviltons at work.Now I know what you’re thinking; “How come they are called ‘eviltons’, not ‘eviltrons’?” Allow me to explain.
There are two main classes of subatomic particles. The first is the ‘tron’ family including electrons, positrons, neutrons etc. These ones are generally harmless, and can even be domesticated. With the exception of the positron which annihilates any matter it comes in contact with, and the electron which electrocutes people when excited. But the neutron is pretty much neutral, except when engaged in warfare in the form of a neutron bomb. Otherwise they are all harmless.
The second class of subatomic particles is a larger, more obscure category known as the ‘ons’ group – protons, mesons, bosons, pythons, morons, vogons and so forth. Now when you examine the characteristics of members of this ‘ons’ group, it immediately becomes apparent that the evilton belongs here because it bears a closer resemblance to a vogon than any other subatomic particle.
So what are the other characteristics of the evilton? This particle is so powerful that if you were to feed just one to Florence Nightingale, she would turn into Genghis Khan overnight. I’m not suggesting that you try this – it is just an example.I have a Mongolian friend who objects to this example. She maintains that Genghis Khan (correct pronounciation in Mongolian: Chkgzzzrngl@!*&^%wzz) is sadly misunderstood, and that far from being a ruthless killer he was in fact a holistic massage therapist. And that he was merely an enthusiast of Mongolian culture, eager to share it with the entire population of North Asia, Europe and the Middle East. I don’t believe her, but of course I was not so foolhardy as to say anything.
Anyhow, If you think it unlikely that your body could become the home of a particle once belonging to a famous historical personality, may I refer you to my recent research paper on Jesus Molecules (see my earlier blog posting). There I explain how, in all likelihood, our bodies contain molecular or smaller particles that once occupied the body of Jesus Christ or The Little Mermaid. As one astute reader pointed out, the odds are that not all of these occupying molecules will be of the benign kind. In all likelihood we also have nazi war criminal molecules hiding out somewhere in our tissues.
Lion Monk Discovers New Subatomic Particle!
Genghis’s leg tattoo
I knew this, and I’ve always appreciated cultural diversity, but I have to admit that I was a little put out when an Evilton that once occupied Genghis’s body took of over command of my left leg. I discovered this only this morning. All I wanted to do was walk to the Post Office but I was forced take a detour when my left leg decided to invade Jordan.